These Dumplings are Not Moon-Shaped

I'm literally afraid of these dumplings. I eat dumplings all the time, but I'm not in Chinatown. I'm in Chelsea, at a cafe with a mural of Justin Timberlake in the bathroom. And these dumplings are too round, and too gingery. Too fancy. Unfamiliar doughy lumps.

That was sweet. I don't usually like strangers touching me, but he squeezed my shoulder and said, "enjoy, darling." And then, "you have pretty handwriting."

"It's the pen," I said.

Is this really my life?

I no longer just have anxiety dreams. I have anxiety foods.

(In Case It Happens)

Him: So yeah, we probably shouldn't see each other anymore.
Me: Really? I thought things were going alright, but ok, I guess you're right.
Him: I am?
Me: Yeah. I mean, you make me feel like I'm totally crazy. I know you have baggage, I get it, but it's unfair to put it all on me.
Him: Isn't that what people do? Isn't that what makes us tick?
Me: Yeah, I guess, but I don't like it. And I don't want you to do it. And I don't wanna deal with it.
Him: I didn't do it on purpose. It's just always with me.
Me: Well, I do feel sorry for you, carrying that load with you always, that sucks. But I don't like having to deal with it. It's not MY load, you know?
Him: If you like me, it IS kind of your load. You have to take all of me, even my load.
Me: I thought we were breaking up? This sounds like making up.
Him: Were we even officially ever together? Is "breaking up" even the right term?
Me: Regardless. Can I give you a piece of advice? Some parting words [air quotes here]?
Him: Um.
Me: You can't go through life expecting people to act a certain way in situations because chances are, they probably will. Keep that in mind. Crazy is as crazy does. If you build it, they will come. All that jazz.
Him: [blank look]
Him: I don't know what to say to that.

Excitement is Overrated

I’d rather be fat and sit on the couch
And watch sitcoms forever
Then worry and wonder about seeing you later
And deal with heart palpitations and stupid nervousness
And sweating
At the end of the day, I think I’m better off alone
Than trying to make you like me.

Anyway. Maybe none of it matters.
Maybe all of it does.

Truth Sometimes = Hurt

-Why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie? You had an affair. You should have said something.
- Sometimes it's ok not to tell someone the truth because you're trying to spare their feelings and you don't think they can handle it just then.
- That still feels like lying.
- Is it lying if the intention is to not hurt? I thought lying was only bad, not good. I was doing a good thing. Intentionally.
- No. The truth is always the way.
- What if it's going to hurt someone?
- No. Truth.
- Truth sometimes = hurt.

Choices

Look at that man's handsome face. His eyes almost fully close when he smiles at the waitress. He doesn't even glance at her butt when she walks away. Even you look at her butt, she's shaking it so. Not him. His smile is sweet and he stares at a point just below the ceiling. He must be thinking about his lady. Or maybe he's thinking about his job, or his dog, or the meal he's about to eat. Or what he had for lunch, maybe a really special French lentil soup.

Even imagining for a second you are living the wrong life is heart-breaking.

Heat-Induced Anxiety Dreams

Heat-Induced Anxiety Dream #99

- A friend gets a tattoo of a tree with the name of an obscure 1970's punk band, "Germs 4 You," carved into the trunk. Only, the tattoo artist makes a mistake, and writes "Gay 4 You."

We Do These Funny Things

- I went to Atlantic City this weekend, she said.
- Oh really? He said. With who? And why?
- Alone. And just because. I wanted to get away. I wanted to watch tv and relax. But I couldn’t sleep, even though I really tried, so I just sort of wandered around the casino in the hotel and watched people play the slots.
- That sounds lonely.
- It kind of was and kind of wasn’t. It was ok, actually. I’m glad I did it.
- Do you miss me? he said.
- No.
- Not at all?
- Maybe a little. I miss who you were the first month I knew you. But I don’t miss you now.

On The Bus

Highly unattractive man to his equally unattractive friend:

Don't worry about it, man. This was my father’s advice: You know if you’re out with a woman and she’s afraid to eat, she’s bad news.

Heat-Induced Anxiety Dreams

Heat-Induced Anxiety Dream #57
- You are responsible for creating a new program for Google called “Jade.” This reminds you of your favorite joke from The 40 Year Old Virgin – “Be David Caruso in Jade.” You tell your colleagues this joke at a staff meeting and nobody laughs.

Heat-Induced Anxiety Dream #59
- The coworker you eat lunch with every day emails to tell you she no longer wants to eat with you, ever again. Your response : “Are you breaking up with me?”

Simple Thoughts

Some people are so cheery and make everything better. Some people are so negative, and make everything a drag.